After 5 years of the same long straight hair, I finally snip it off. Head feels lighter and it makes me feel more refreshing.

I like the way Eve does my hair. The style and the color. Ermm... actually it makes me feels and looks younger! haaha!

Just took this photo last sunday. Nothing significant but it just suddenly strike my mind that I want to take this coz it just brings out the contrast of being good and bad. Pple always sees buddha is good and always 在明 and the devil is bad and always 在暗. But have you ever wonder.... how about the opposite? Maybe buddha is only suppressing his evil nature? Thots to ponder.

I've spoken to a few of my frens. I never believe in 人之初，性本善. I only believe in 人之初，性本恶. It is only the environment does not allow the evil side to surface.

Went for a make over with my parents. Hmm... quite good with their poses. Should try to get one for the whole family.

Feeling good. Started Travel Photography. Interesting instructor. Really teaches us the art of seeing. Be more creative. Think I'll join his photography trip. Someone who takes his lessons seriously.

I've never felt so miserable in my life before. Today is the day which I've realised what a fool I've been for so many years. All along his only concern is about keeping himself happy everything about him. Everything he do is to his benefit. It is indeed a blessing in disguised that leaving him is the best choice I've made in my life. Shouldn't have listened to him in so many things. Doing things against my own will against everybody's will just to keep him happy.

I'll not owe you anything! It's you who owe me everything! I'm the only one whom you can turn to whenever your life fucks up! I'm the only one whom you can make use of. Indeed! What a fool I've been. All your fucking theory bout true love? It's time to shove it up your ass!

2 November 2007, Friday, 7.05pm his story... ENDS! I've finally woken up!

Hmm.... M600i or W950i ??? I still like W960i it has everything I want in it. Still has yet to come out. Should I wait or just get any phone tats available? Dang! Why are all non contract phones so expensive? Sigh!

Lost my phone today. Am feeling upset. Maybe it's really meant to go. To forget about him everything about him. It's time to let go. It's been hard. Very hard on me.

云也无终

花也谢了

I guess when 2 person are not meant to be together they are not meant to be. You just have to believe in fate.

Goodbye!

Fatal Attraction is wat I see in us. Life is never the same with you ard. If I'm are a risk taker it would be an enjoyable roller coaster ride. If I'm not I think IMH will be a place I'll end up in.

You shower me with all the love you have. Give me lotsa lotsa presents. I'm not a presents kinda person tho. You're also a pretty much of a die hard romantic. At least to me you are. Guess wat? I'm a very practical person. Of coz I appreciate all the gestures from you.

How different the both of us are. You will show me all the love and affection. I'm someone that does not show that much but deep down I know how I feel about you. Let me learn how to k? Have a little more patience with me. You should know that I'm the type that 吃软不吃硬 one.

Working hard in making this work together. =) gambade!

Everything crumpled today. All is gone. Why is it so fragile between us? Trust? Truthful? Honesty? It's all bullshit. Love is not everything. Doubt! What a word! Simple yet Strong! What a Killer!

Why do I have to play by your rules or you have to play by mine? Is there need to be so clear cut? Isn't it give and take? It shouldn't have happen. Maybe we shouldn't have even met. Past is not something you should be harping on. Present is what you should be treasuring. I've been treasuring every single moment with you. Thanks for the happy times.

Will I be able to bring myself to love again? HARD! Too hurt to go on.

May God Bless Us!

26 Aug 07. He poped the question. =)

He has been given away today. I miss him. I've not been feeling at ease these few days when I know he's being put up for adoption. Although he is really naughty and can't really seems to listen but somehow or rather I've kinda feel attached. I miss his bark whenever I'm back. This is the second time I've cried today. I dunno why but I'm just sad.

I dunno if he's feeling scared at the new place or will he get used to his new home. But I hope he is happier. I'm getting to miss him real bad!

I've not been updating my blog recently. Have been feeling so tired everyday. Maybe I've not been working out as often as I should be. I should do my workout more often.

Unable to wake up in the morning and unable to sleep early at nite. Even if I were to be able to sleep at nite I'm still unable to wake up in the morning. Sigh!

Should I go get Vit. B Complex? Grrrr!

It's always nice to receive flowers but receiving it from your loved one would be wonderful.

Sigh... Love is always so hard to replace and be found again.

NDP @ Marina Bay 2007

Went for theater play: Happy Endings: Asian Boys Vol. 3 @ Drama Centre @ National Library.

Great theater indeed but issue which the characters gotta face is no difference from any other gay theater which I've been to.

Real live issues which our Gay community is currently facing. Activist fighting for gay rights while the rest of the community just hiding behind the scene trying to be closetted and trying to be as low profile as possible about their sexuality.

How many actually stood up for their rights? How many hetrosexuals actually treat homosexuals equal? Who actually planted the impression that it's wrong to be homosexual? Homosexuality is bad & evil? Why can't the society be more gracious in acceptance of homosexuals?

There are thousand and one reasons to be homophobic. But is there a need to condemn the Gay community? Till this date it is still left to be debated.

Pain there was, and more so,
Hope because you loved me;
Your laughter made my love grow,
'Till love was all I could see.
Love like the sunshine on a summer's day,
Love that transforms and - sustains in every way;
And could I tell how much I cared for thee?
Can a flower be told sweet nothings by the bee?
No, words won't do, not this time, even though,
I love you more than you can ever know.

Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

Why?

And if not why then how,

Does this all happen,

Endlessly?

Or do we end,

Exhuberance giving way,

From nothing to nothing,

Forever?

Hold someone's heart close to yours if its meant to be...

Let it go gently if holding that heart hurts you.

I'm tired... Really am. How can I pick myself up? I'm tired with work, frens, relationship everything. Am I slowly seeping into depression? I'm trying so hard to keep afloat. Now I'm really beginning to feel this way.

i cannot function

i cannot even sit down

to figure things out

my hands just tremble

my chest heaves

my heart shrinks

my tummy feels cold.

i'm disintegrating.

Maybe now i fully understand how it felt. Mental support. I'm not getting any. Can't even open my mouth. Trapped! Totally Trapped! I can't grapped on much longer. Slowly losing my grip.

Feeling so trap somehow somewhere! I can't seems to figure out anything. Seems to be suppressed by something. Maybe due to work and someone. Work I still can handle it but that someone seems to be adding unnecessary pressure on me. Is it really tat necessary to add pressure to me and make me take note of every single minor details? Best of all. I'm not even a detailed person.

This should have been my attitude all along. Why should I give a damn bout it? All are so fucked up!

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, " What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Woman over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think you can get away with it.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best firend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They Always Know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstic. This is not true of younger women.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk and if you are acting like one! You dun ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire PIG, just to get a little sausage.

Hitting 30 next year. It's also time for me to change a new IC. I had a horrible IC photo for the past 20 years. It's time to get a nice one! Now waiting for the rest of the make over photos to be ready. They better be nice haahaa! Spent a bomb on them! Anyway no major touch up. Only requested for min. touch up. Just want to have a natural me!

True Love = Love + Sex

True? Maybe!

Have not contacted him for a long time. Sms him and found out today his mum has water in her lungs. Not very good news.

Dun think she's gonna last for long. Sigh... Life and Death. What's new?

There are nights
I no longer trust my
capacity for love, its instinct to hold
and to touch; I no longer know
my own body, the way it writhes
and writes its will on the bed,
how it lies even as it is laid.
What I have given
I have no way of reclaiming

Why are MEN so full of SHIT?

Can never be honest!

PUIz!

My Bro's finally married after 10 years of love marathon with Peiling. Wedding preparation is really siong! I guess at the end of the day as long as the couple and the pple ard them are happy it's all worth it.

Got my new phone today. Red-Silver Nokia E65. Love the design. Grrr... Cost $458. Hope it's worth the money. I've not been using Nokia for 6 years already. I'm so so so not use to it. Think it's gonna take me quite some time to get used to it.

Hmm... Got my Prada Wallet. Birthday present from Henry. Never expect this coming. Come to think of it. He has been spending quite a fair bit on me recently. Asked him why is he so nice to me? His reply: " I owed you."

Can't imagine wat Robin can be up to. Got this thing in my email the first thing on my birthday. Argh!!! I've got to be careful whenever he took my photos! He has indeed surprised me.

Johnnny asked me out for lunch today for my birthday It's nice of him to do that. He had been real BZ after his baby boy was out on 28 April and his daughter was sick for the whole of last week. Well at least he made an effort. Kinda cheered me up a bit from the morning incident. He's easy to talk to. Maybe due to his occupation, he never seems to run out of topic to talk and with him ard you won't have to face the kind of silence awkwardness.

I think I've still not fully recovered from my virus attack last week. Robin commented that I looked as if I've not had enuff sleep. Johnny told me the same thing too. But I had enuff sleep last nite. Dunno why am I still looking tired.

Catch up a bit on wat's happening. Mentioned bout Teresa kept questioning bout me and Johnny on one time which he actually came all the way to Tampines to pick me up to MU. Hmmm... not only she kept asking me why Johnny came to pick me up but didn't know that she also kept asking Johnny the same thing. She also asked what's between me and him. Well I think sometimes pple just think too much. A simple nice gesture from someone actually allows the thots of others to run wild.

First time in my life that I cried first thing in the morning on my birthday. Had an argument with my mother over some stupid stuff. Why is that parents are always the one that they think they are always right? I really hope when I have my own children I'll not be behaving this way!

Happy Birthday Karen!

Turning 29 this month. Hmm... maybe I should start a wish list and work towards getting everything to satisfy myself.

1. New Dopod Handphone or Sony Ericsson 880i

2. Prada or Burberry Wallet

3. Nikon D80

4. Omega Watch

5. Ipod 30GB

I've been quite sick since Sunday. Spent 3 full days in bed. Even when I had chickenpox it wasn't this bad.

Fever, headache, flu and sore throat all in one. Its only today then I'm starting to recover.

Robin says coz my subconscious wanted an extra long holiday. Hmmm... I've been pondering. Is this really wat it was? My final answer. NO! I'm feeling much better getting back to work than lying on bed feling so sick.

May is a super BZ mth for me. So much to do and so little time.

1. Go get hair cut & highlight my hair.
2. Need to go get my complimentary body spa
3. Need to go get my pedicure done *get rid of my ingrown toenail*
4. Need to go get my complimentary make over photo shots
5. Still got things that I can't remember. (sigh... think too much brain cells have died)

Before ............................ After

Going thru some stuff last nite. Guess wat I've discovered? A student pass which was taken in Year 2000 weighing @ 112kg!

Compared to the driving license photo which I had just taken in Jan 2007 weighing @ 89kg

Can't imagine how bad I looked then. Think I'm slowly gaining back my weight... better start my dieting and excercise soon.

DANG! Why do I have to fracture my taibone? Hope Ray can push me to excercise regularly. Gonna take part in this year end Standard Chart Marathon 10km fun run to kick start.

Went out with him on Sat. nite. He brought me to Sushi Tei for dinner. This is the first time I had such an enjoyable Jap dinner. I love the desserts. Had an enjoyable nite with him tho my feet almost killed me. Ended the day with the movie "Smoking Aces".

Tells me I'm irresistable.

Ray asked me out for a swim on Sunday. He heard me talking to Ray and got jealous haahaa maybe he's joking. Saying I'm talking so sweetly to Ray.

Swam for 3 whole hours. Arms aching. My freestyle sucks. Ray's gonna teach me more on freestyle next weekend.

Can't imagine I bought the Cat 1 Seat for 21 April and I actually missed it! There goes my hard earn $$ DANG! I couldn't hate myself more!

I love Beanie Babies!

Sexuality is Fluid

Whether You're Gay, Straight or You're Bisexual

You Just go with the Flow...

The feeling of being woken up by a kiss feels good!

Hand running thru your hair.

Makes you feel warm all over.

Finally managed to meet up with Yandi for fishing today. Johnson was there too. Had an enjoyable time hooking tambans LOL! Our catch for the day. Yandi passed me 3 rods! Yippie! Can go fishing anytime liao!

Met him during lunch yesterday. Happy! Have not seen him for a long long long time.

Met up with MZ for dinner. Sharon joined us later. Had an enjoyable nite. Seems like have not met up with the both of them for a long time too.

He missed me too. Jealousy is in the air.

He missed me.

Tagore once said:

The biggest tragedy is when I'm standing right in front of you and you do not know I LOVE YOU.

The exhibition finally ended yesterday. Everybody's totally tired out. We had our share of fun and frastration. Once I reached home I totally knocked out. haaha! Imagine when Johnson asked me to go for a movie and I still says ok. Once I reached home I KO immediately. When I received his msg this morning I can sense that he's pretty frastrated with me. Coz I fly his aeroplane on Fri and Sat nites. 2 Days in a row.

Had to go 扫墓 today. Waking up early today nearly wanted my life. But I dun have a choice. Once a year I can't have any excuses. Had to go Yishun and Bright Hill temple. The road to Bright Hill temple was super Jam! Mum decided that we better go grab some lunch b4 going to Bright Hill Temple as all of us have not taken lunch yet. Went to makan near AMK hub.

Guess wat? A sales girl from OTO approach my mum and intro her the OTO Flabelos. Mum loves it. The price is also pretty steep. S$1480. Goosh! Can't believe we purchased it! Anyway will have to split with my Bro. There goes the money I had intended for a new HP. But hope this does make our family healthier in one way or another.

On our way out of AMK hub, I saw Johnson with his potential gf. He seems so surprised to see me. Had a talk with him just now. Well maybe I'm kinda KPO. Asked him bout this girl. She wanted to commit but I guess he's not ready for it. He doesn't have the desire to love her and commit himself. He doesn't have the desire to love her like he wanted to love me. Told me that if one day I were to leave him or disappear from his life he will feel sad and lost. Hmm....

Hmm... guess who I met at the MTA 2007 today? My classmate in 2AC3. Ever since we grad in 1998 today is the day which we finally meet each other. We didn't even have that kinda doubt that ehhh.... is that Shan Shan or ehhh.... is that Karen? It has been 10 years.

My legs almost gave way today. Stood the whole day at the exhibition today. I can't believe a lao uncle said this. I asked him to take a look at our products he can come tell me he rather take a look @ me then to look @ our products. *faintz*

After the exhibition my Jap boss wanted to go for dinner. Kept giving me & Shawn so much food and wanting me to eat so much dessert and asking me to drink champagne. Lucky I wasn't sitting near him so I escaped the drinking part. Many of my colleagues did not join us for the dinner. It was a small group and it indeed brings back the memories of the time when we were still @ beach road office. A nice and cosy dinner.

Learnt something new today. Kohi in Jap mean coffee. But never say this in Thailand coz Kohi in Thai means virginal.

Hmm... my bro managed to dig out this photo. My very first Christmas in my life. The Christmas which left me a deep impression.

It's at my cousin's place @ Lengkok Bahru. No wonder tat time when Ellsen mentioned Lengkok Bahru to me I find it so familiar. I can still recall my bro, me and my cousins were gathered together opening up presents. It's a wonderful feeling. Thanks to Jenny & Alfred. OMG! haaha they really watched up grow up. I'm already 29. Jenny can't wait for me to be married off lolz She's getting to be more like my mommie No. 2. Anyway she'll be seeing my bro getting married first on 27 May this year. As for me, she's in for a long wait. Marriage is not under my priority list. If it comes it comes.

Had my ingrown toe nails extracted last nite. I was in such great pain. Am near to tears during the whole process. Had to do it if not I'll die tomorrow and saturday. Am on duty @ the Singapore Expo for the MTA 2007.

He's happy... Very happy. Got his wifey back today. Wanted to meet me for tea break. Too bad my office dun practice tea break.